Monday, November 19, 2012

B-Movie Monday: Some Of My Favorite Turkeys

The hack reviewers the Medved Brothers define a Golden Turkey Award as (quoted from Wikipedia):

The book awards the fictional "Golden Turkey Awards" to films judged by the authors as poor in quality, and to directors and actors judged to have created a chronically inept body of work. The book features many low-budget obscurities and exploitation films such as Rat Pfink a Boo Boo, Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, and the apparently lost Him. Other categories include expensive, big studio failures like The Swarm and popular films such as Jesus Christ Superstar

B-Movie Monday is not about this narrow look at movies. We celebrate everything that is weird and cheesy in such films. With Thanksgiving rolling around I want to celebrate some of the movies other people think are, well, turkeys...

Zombi 3 (directed by Lucio Fulci and an uncredited Bruno Mattei) has ben described as a mess, the worst Italian zombie movie of the 80s, and other things. This movie (along with Umberto Lenzi's Nightmare City) has become one of my guilty favorite Italian zombie movies. Admittedly it makes no sense and you can tell that there were a lot of cooks in the kitchen. But when it's all said and done, there is a crazy energy in Zombi 3 that I have to respect. Watch the trailer and see.

 What else can be said about Plan 9 From Outer Space? Worst movie of all time? Hardly. As talentless as Ed Wood Jr may have been, the man had miles of heart and enthusiasm. From Criswell to Bela Lugosi and Tor Johnson, Plan 9 is bad but it's a fun kind of bad. And to quote Mike Nelson: "What kind of monster names their kid Dudley Manlove?"

According to the Golden Turkey Awards the Worst Vegetable Movie was Attack of the Mushroom People (aka Matango). Snarkiness aside, Matango is a bleak movie about people shipwrecked on a strange island. There are mushrooms involved. Search this one out.It's a strange little gem.

Finally. here is a trailer for a movie that has been mention on the Amazing Fun Pad several times. It's hard to find now, as it has never been released on US or UK DVD that I know of. But every once in a while I'll switch on the VHS to watch this under appreciated gem. Bask in the glory that is Yor The Hunter From The Future. He's the Man!

News Flash! I just saw that Amazon has Yor streaming for $3 or on DVD-R for under $20! Glee!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Visions of Vanth 7: More Gods of Vanth

Here are four more gods and goddesses from the Mighty Land of Vanth. But first a word of warning...

From the Wanderings of Werdna H'Tedirem 

Many are the gods and goddesses of Vanth. In my journey across the lands, I have seen and witnessed many beings who claimed divinity. Here are some of the lesser known entities I have encountered. One note: NEVER mock any being that can wish horrible horrible things to you from vast distances. You have been warned.

Eclai Fortune

The Prince of Vultures, Ringmaster of the Last Great Caravan, Death God of the Funfair Nomads. 

Eclai Fortune flies eternally over the Funfair Nomads, descending to Vanth when death approaches one of his own. The worshipers of Eclai are the sad clowns and fortune tellers of the Funfair Nomads. The dead of the Nomads are left in roadside shrines guarded from the living and the dead by well fed Giant Vultures and the morbid Raven Knights. For a Death God, Eclai is considered quite friendly and fair, and often offers his subjects advice and games to prolong their lives. His realm is the Great Road, a heavenly road where the Funfair Nomads roam, every stop full of money, food, and entertainment. 

The Golden Maria 

Oracle of the Steel Warlords, The Empress on the Throne. 

Legend says that the Golden Maria was the first Robodroid to tread Vanth, ages before the Vulkins even discovered the Medieval Sector. The Steel Warlords found her bound to her throne deep within the Hidden Caves and moved her into the capitol city where they ensconced her in the Hall of Ancestors. Most of the days she sleeps while autoscribes dictate her murmurings and augur their meanings. When she wakens, a kirilian halo emanates from her as Maria speaks to the Warlords in a voice mechanical yet rich with wistful emotion.

Bentwit the Clown

The Betrayer at the Gate, The Instigator of the Marks, The Slayer of the Rubes 

If the Funfair Nomads have a god of evil and greed, Bentwit the Clown is it. Formerly the right hand clown of the Grand Ringmaster, Bentwit grew jealous of the other peoples of Vanth and began to cheat and kill them heedless of the Law of Luck. The Grand Ringmaster cast Bentwit from the Great Exodus but he exists off the road, tempting Funfair Nomads to pillage and slaughter instead of trade and fun. Bentwit rules the hell called Chory┼╝art, a wasted expanse where evil Funfair Nomads are entombed in pillars of salt, never to roam the Afterlife like their kin.

The Shadow Man

Perdisdioj of  the Unwanted Truth, The Cloak of Midnight

One of the more unusual claimants to divinity are the Perdisdioj, personifications of the Concepts of Forgotten Terra, beings of amazing powers and strange flaws. How the Perdisdioj got to Vanth is a mystery to scholars, but their powers are a force to be reckoned with. Some denizens of Vanth have met the Perdisdioj, and have bargained for their favor. Forever in the shadows in a strange suit and coat, a Perdisdioj known as the Shadow Man speaks knowledge to the lies of power of corruption. However such knowledge is used or the consequences reaped  (good or ill) is of no consequence to him. Those who get too close are lost in the smoke and mist that clings to him. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

B-Movie Monday: Shaolin and Wu Tang (1981)

In honor of the Rza's (of the Wu-Tang Clan) new martial arts movie The Man with the Iron Fists I give you Shaolin and Wu Tang (1981). This movie was directed by martial arts legend Gordon Liu (Pai Mei in Kill Bill 2. Enjoy.

Monday, November 5, 2012

B-Movie Monday: Slasher Flicks!

This isn't gonna end well: The Night Owl from Stage Fright
Welcome Back to B-Movie Monday! Today is a collection of slasher flick trailers. I must admit that slasher movies are not my cup of tea. I much more prefer a good supernatural or weird thriller rather than basic hack and slash. But I recently picked up Deep 7's Shriek X, the new expanded XPG version of their 1PG rpg Shriek. Plus I've been flipping through my PDF of Spectrum Games Slasher Flick too. (I did have a thought of using their Cartoon Action Hour Season 2 rules for grindhouse movies and call it Drive-In Exploitation Grindhouse.) So here we go...

Dario Argento's lost giallo.

A masterful deconstruction of  slasher cliches: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon.

Saw this one on Chiller network. Not a bad one.

Another Italian classic and worth seeking out: Michele Soavi's Stage Fright (aka Deliria and Stage Fright: Aquarius). Death is beautiful in this one.

Two slashers go to war: The OK Freddy vs. Jason

And as a bonus, my favorite slasher movie credit music ever, "The Ballad of Harry Warden" from My Bloody Valentine (1981)